Dear Katrina

I really don’t know where to start from, but here we go. So it’s your birthday today, it’s amazing how fast the past year has been. it’s been 4 years since you let karla carried your name, she is so proud of the woman you are gradually becoming, a woman of substance with integrity in sight.
The past four years has been filled with a lot of ups and down times characterize by discouragement and encouragement. it has been a roller coaster ride, but be thankful for all the experience and I hope you have learnt your lesson because it’s time to move on to greater challenges..
I know you’ve had a hard time with friendship building, I know your heart aches for a friend, a friend who will understand and listen to your sentiments without judging you. someone who will come with you to an adventures, travels, or even just enjoying each other with a cup of coffee, and a good conversation, etc. I also know, better than anyone, that this is most likely not in the cards for you. It’s time to start facing forward at what adventures and freedom are waiting for you in a life without the so called “FRIEND”. never start trying when you find one, but when you notice that the person has no interest with you, “JUST DROP IT” life is too short so don’t waste your time and effort, because you’ll never know someone out there is just waiting for you to notice them but you are too busy to someone who is not interested with you at all. in the past year, you’ve begun to understand and appreciate that having 26 friends on Facebook, (and become 18 friends list now, after you unfriended few account that you don’t recognize anymore and hardly contacted you) won’t be the end of the world… but there’s still sadness in your heart and I hope that over the course of this next year, you’re able to see a full life for Donny and your children even without friends. You have him and your children’s and you love them; you’ve experienced being alone for years, and I bet there are lots of them out there who are perfectly happy with the life they are living with the same situation as you.
Furthermore, you are doing well as a mum and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The love you have for Donny and your children is unparalleled and always strive to a better mother and a partner everyday.
Let’s talk about health… You’re not very good at it. For someone who has faced the health issues that you have, you sure don’t take very good care of your body. I know in the past 2 or 3 weeks, you’ve been working out and that’s great! It’s a great start, but you are 32 years old. It’s time to get serious about taking care of the body that you just borrowed, Start feeding your body as well as you feed your family …or your cat’s for that matter. Everybody eats healthier than you. Knock that off, start taking pride in your health and you’ll be happier and healthier for much, much longer. I promise. Because I am you, I happen to know that this is already something you’re taking very seriously, but I still think it needs to be in this letter… just so you can remind yourself if you ever start to give up. I read somewhere that the habits you want to live the rest of your life by, need to be established by the time you’re 40, in order for them to be lifelong habits. I’m surprised they even give you that long… We all should have been doing this way sooner than now.
It’s time to get real Katrina, you have a lot to achieve this new year and there is no time for sentiments. Quit procrastinating and start taking steps towards achieving your goals, always remember the keys to success lies with you it’s time to reach out and get it.
Happy Birthday!!!


Life with a short term memory loss

I stared at the girl in the photograph. She looked so familiar, but who was she? Had she been a classmate? A neighbor? Had she and I worked at the same place? There was so much I didn’t know. my body had healed since the accident; I was walking and lifting weights two days a week and do 15 lapses in swimming 3x a week and trying so hard to feel strong and to be strong. But my mind was muddled. I’d remembered my family and my boyfriend, but I’d lost many of the details of our lives together. I couldn’t recall the trips few months ago my boyfriend said my favorite. I couldn’t remember my crush or the boy who wrote the most heartfelt offering in my yearbook — “I still remember the time you cared enough just to talk. If you hadn’t been there I wouldn’t be here today.”  Had I saved him from suicide? I didn’t know. Sometimes I would run into people at the mall and they’d swear I knew them but I’d have to say no, I didn’t. At least not anymore. and sometimes, I just had to pretend I do recognize them and just go with the flow during the conversation.

There’s a cliché saying that memory makes us who we are; I disagree, experiences do. Memories are just a part of who we are and memories come from those experiences.  On March 23 2001, I was involved in a car accident. Broken ribs, paralysis, deep coma, and traumatic brain injury.  I was unconscious for 2 weeks. The longer someone is unconscious, the worse the outcome after they wake; if they do. After spending 7 weeks in the hospital, from a car accident/brain injury, I came home to reacquaint myself with everything. It wasn’t until several weeks after getting home that I realized that I  had no reference to my 21 days of life.

I  knew I had amnesia when I  was in the hospital, but I was so focused on getting home, that it never hit me how bad it was. I was  told that I  still the basic same me as I  was before the amnesia. Without memories to pull from for reference, I  was a blank canvas, personality-wise. What I  have is Anterograde Amnesia; would be forgetting what is happening now,. Being able to keep new memories is a gift and what was and is important. The first type of memory issue I  recognized was language: aphasia. I  didn’t understand what words meant at times; didn’t understand sarcasm; I  called things and people by the wrong names; and I  didn’t know how to take a joke.  I  also had Broca’s Aphasia (expressive) — I  had a hard time getting the right words out to get the point across and it got frustrating when someone didn’t understand. It was also frustrating for others who couldn’t grasp what I  was trying to say so they could help.

Memory isn’t stored in one area of the brain, it’s spread out everywhere. Sometimes one comes back. It was really strange at first to get a memory back because it was really confusing what was happening and why. It was like feeling lost in time and space. Sometimes the memory came with uncontrollable emotions. Over time, I  noticed that any of my senses could trigger a memories. They came mostly from external cues, sometimes internal cues. Most memories that come back make sense. At times they are whole memories, but sometimes they are partial, like puzzle pieces and they put together a picture eventually.

The changes and memory challenges were weirder for my family than her. One of the biggest challenges is when I don’t recognize people I  should know. but by the help of social media I  was able to know how they supposed to look like, (that’s why I always check their profile before meeting them) also by the help of my partner, I  was able to know how I meet them, and so on…. I am  not getting any younger, pain is a constant issue and Alzheimer’s Disease runs in my family; my short-term memory issues are slowly becoming an issue. I  do what I  can to keep my brain strong; puzzles, word games, hidden objects games, and writing. I  love spending time at home with my family, They are such good therapy for me. Because I am unable to work, I   pass the time by writing. cooking, and photograph.

A Goodbye message to my father…

My favorite moments with my dad were our late night talks,… about life, everything and anything, our TV/movie  marathons how he would love to go on trips, how we would have a lot of food trips, when he would make me lambing, how he would be so goofy and full of life, and before he would take me out on dates, there are too many, all the moments I was able to have with my dad are now my favorite, even if it was just lying down next to him. the list can go on and on…

I will never forget any of those moments. my kids will have a lot of stories to hear about how amazing my dad was.

I’m gonna miss him so much, his cheery ” Good mornings” his memorable 1960’s lullaby, singing to him, our one on one talking sessions at the balcony, his spontainety, how he would always support me, ( even when I didn’t have enough confidence) how he would encourage me, I will miss how he would know my mood by just looking at me because he knew me the best (even if I never admitted it), I’m gonna miss his comforting words, his inspiring words, his words of wisdom, his advice. I’m gonna miss his comments on Facebook. seeing his post… im gonna miss his smile, his laugh, his jokes, his Amazing BIG personality, his hugs, and how he would always be there to listen, I’m gonna miss everything.

I told him that I will be okay, and not to worry anymore,…. and I will. I will be okay,… I will do everything he wanted me to do. I just thank god for giving him to me as my father. I thank god for the years I was able to have with him. there are still too many moments I wanted to experience with him,… but I know he’s in the most perfect place now, he’s at peace. no more pain, no more hurt, no more suffering, no more sadness, he is free.

So thank you dad for doing the bestest job raising me, for being so so patient with me, for giving me all I need, for always doing what’s best for me, for making sure I am happy, for teaching me so many important lessons, for correcting me, for being so thoughtful,  for your kind words, for your comfort, for being strong and for continuing  to fight even if it was hard. and thank you for your love, I can’t thank you enough. you are an inspiration to all so many people and I am proud to call you my DAD. you will always be my dad, and like I said, I will always be your baby,,..I hope I made you proud. I love you I will never ever forget you…

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I’m not Martha Stewart. No,  really. I don’t like cooking all that much. I hate the time it takes to prep and clean. As mealtimes or planning for atrip to the grocery store approaches, I tend to feel a sense of anxiety/desperation because I truly despise the process most of the time. However, I do enjoy eating delicious food that Most especially made by me.  :)I don’t know how to knit. Or sew. I don’t do crafts.I don’t do calligraphy. I can’t write straight without lines to save my life.I don’t keep an ultra clean home. I LOVE an ultra clean home. Almost nothing makes me happier. But it’s the keeping it clean part where there seems to be a disconnect. I think this point (and the cooking one) have directly to do with my personality type. Everything I’ve read about  tells me we have lots of trouble with the trivial drudgery of everyday life. Oh, and apparently we suck at follow through. But we’re SUCH nice people. 🙂 I have a piano at my home before but I never play. I quit my lessons around age 15, and I regret that all the time. I don’t have a particularly unique sense of style. choosing outfits that are “blog worthy” stresses me out. I’m oh-so-painfully normal. I chew ice, love rap, don’t always keep my fingernails perfectly manicured and painted have a real penchant for spilling/splattering/dripping something greasy or permanently staining on new/expensive clothes (often on the very firstwear), hate running, and like to leave spiders in the corners because they eat other bugs. That’s like built-in pest control, right? And free?

But. I’m really good at making people feel comfortable and accepted and admired. I’m really good at empathy. Putting myself in others’ shoes. I’m really good at communication and diplomacy. I can smooth over a rough situation with relative ease, because I’m good at words. I’m really good at putting my mind to something and getting it done (obviously I just don’t put my mind to the points mentioned above).  I work really hard at things I’m passionate about. I’m exceedingly loyal, and I will fight for people I love. I have an excellent sense of humor and positive attitude. I see life in photographs. The glass is always half full. (unless I’m PMSing. Then the glass is stupid and I hate the glass and its contents and also my life and you are probably bothering me.) If someone says something and I’m not sure what they meant by it, I assume they meant the best. I see both sides of every story, to a fault. I have trouble taking a strong position on anything because of it, but I’m OK with that. And I think it’s good…. it’s all good. Not sewing, not being perfectly stylish, being kind, thinking about how others might feel, expecting the best from people. It’s all just a part of who I am. Some of the negatives I’ll work on. The positives I’ll be proud of. We are who we are.

And that’s my ” PART OF WHO I AM”

YOU’RE BEING LOVED, Don’t Give up!

Many times we wish and wish for the right person to come into our lives. We don’t seem to understand why it’s not working out with others. We end up in toxic,  unloving relationships, and deep down know something better is out there.

The challenge is, when something better does come along, to not run away.

After years of disappointment,  heart break and unhappy endings, it can be very easy to close down on real love. No matter what, don’t’ let that happen!

Remember, strength in the muscles of your body is created by your muscles being ripped apart,  and then rebuilt. Your heart and your emotional intelligence and fitness operate the same way. It is easy to close down after you’ve been hurt. It’s easy to throw a wrench into real love when it comes. I understand it’s scary, but WHO CARES

Move forward in spite of your fear. Move forward INTO the scariness of it all. Be courageous. Don’t let fear win. OPEN UP anyway. The risk of not opening, in the end, is far worse than the risk of opening.

Don’t let love pass you by. Don’t let fear win.

NO! Instead, let love win. Open up, even when, you are afraid. Open up, even when you are scared of getting hurt. Open up, even when you don’t know what’s going to happen.

Listen to me: LOVE WILL PASS YOU BY if you always choose the safe path.

I am not suggesting that you open up to the first person who comes along. No. I am not suggesting that at all. I am suggesting that when you have a connection with someone, when you feel it, when you are so scared of how much you feel it, go in the opposite direction of your fear. Do not be afraid of the love you feel.

KNOW THIS: The right person will meet you. The right person will show up. But they can’t if you don’t open.

Learn to value openness and rebuilding your heart more than safety. Don’t let the wounds of the past create a wounded future. No. It can be different. Love can be yours. But first you must be open to it. Learn how to be more loving from your past pain, not how to be more closed.

Don’t give up on love, no, give IN TO love!


March 23, best cialis pharm 2014 at 2:18pm
(my year end note)

 2013 was not my year. lot of failures,  pains,  hatreds, surprises, revelations, not only personally but to the whole country. I thought it would be a great year, but it did not happened as I the year ended last 31st of December, I made the decision to move on and look forward to the coming year.  forgiving those people who had offended me, who made me cry and hurt  me is easy, but forgetting may take a lot of time. maybe weeks, months, years, I don’t know, for now, what I know, I have to save myself to gain back my self worth.

looking back to what happened in 2013 it makes me wanna scream, really! but what else can I do. as I forgive others, I have to forgive also myself, for I let myself hurt and made the wrong decisions. for this year, no new year’s resolution, but i’ll try my best to upgrade my maturity.

thank you for the people I knew and became part of my the bitches who ruined my happiness you know who the hell you are, I raise my middle finger for you! 🙂 to my detractors! it’s okay. push it more!:) i’ll make sure you whatever happens I can still whip my hair and say, now what! :)all of you were the reasons why I am stronger (i have to)the year has ended, so I also have to end the false hopes and promises for the future!

now 2014 be good to me. 😀 new year, new life, new challenges, new dreams! better career, better person, wiser and stronger but nicer! 😀 God, take over!! Thank You  for what You have done and for all that You are going to do!

2014, LET’S GET IT ON! 🙂